Inside Myself

I received a massage this afternoon.  A whole two hours of doing absolutely nothing.  My mind was racing.

I felt so vulnerable under that blanket, completely naked.  I worried about everything from the size and condition of my body to worrying if my massage therapist was bored.  Yes.  I worried that somehow I was boring her.

I thought about how I was going to floss more regularly.

I contemplated finally doing it… finally getting a personal trainer and getting into fitness again.

I thought about my friend who is having an abortion tomorrow.  Afterwards, she will go back home to mother her children.  I thought about my abortion.  I thought about shame, embarrassment, and regret and how those emotions and words are so intimately mingled.

I thought about my children.  I thought about the finality of my family.  No more babies.  I thought about the phrase “just be satisfied with what you have.”  Would someone tell a mother with one child that same phrase if she were unable to have any more babies?  Is it because I have five children?

“But you already have FIVE… how many kids do you want?”

I don’t know.  But there is this unsettling inside of me.  A longing.  An ache.

I don’t have any fertility issues. I actually could conceive if I were to try to.  But, that wasn’t the deal.  There are to be no more babies here.

No more full, round bellies pregnant with the anticipation of a new life.

No more aching breasts full of milk.  No more little bottoms to wipe.  No more first smiles, first coos, first haircuts.

I should just be satisfied with what I have; I already have five beautiful, healthy children.  I should think about how much time and effort a baby is and place that into working out.  I should focus on my oral health.  Finally get into that habit of flossing.  Maybe even buy an oral rinse.

Then the massage was over.  I was left alone in a room with my empty heart, a head full of wild hair, and mascara smeared across my face.  Alone.  I got dressed, tried to put myself back together, and thanked her.

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